I miss you, Polly.

This is familiar:

This is for you:

This is a good way to feel before bed:

Inexplicably I seem to have this in my head:

This is how I've been feeling lately:

This is how I've been feeling lately:

This is a good way to feel before bed:

...Heh...

Fooled everyone and ended up feeling like this:



...Last time I try to predict these things...

But if that doesn't work out I'll settle for this:

I plan on feeling like this later on:

This is how I feel today:

This is what I want in my head before bed:

...don't judge me...

If it's alright I think I'll feel like this:

This is a good way to feel before bed:

The end result of very little sleep, 12 hours of torturous makeup appliance, (not to mention the many hours of prep in advance) and a vague, aimless but yearning-for-greatness talent. I was a Nosferatu. Of sorts.

I've already decided I'm gonna feel like this tomorrow:

This is a good way to feel before bed:

Lately it's been this:

This is how I feel today:

floating

I've always been afraid of water. I almost drowned a couple times when I was younger. Also, I've been told I've drowned in past lives which I'm not above believing. Mostly I find natural bodies of water like lakes, rivers, oceans- you know, water you can't see the bottom of- terrifying. It's not just a fear of not being able to breath, but some part deep inside of me knows that there are monsters in the water.
Yes, monsters.
Just recently I've been pushing that fear out of my life. I'm starting small; I moved into an apartment complex with a swimming pool and I've been kinda playing around in the water. Come to find out that I love it.
The realization that I can swim came as a shock. Okay, my swimming ain't pretty but I can keep afloat. What was more shocking was that I wasn't afraid of sinking. No fear- I felt so amazingly buoyant. Like I could tread water (I can tread water! Holy shit!) forever.
I could float forever.
...That statement reminds me a little of Pennywise in Stephen King's "It" but we'll move on...
There's something so liberating in this knowledge. It places my fear of water in its proper place. Behind me. It also makes me wonder what else I might find remarkably easy to do. What else I've been too afraid to face.

Beside water monsters, of course. Still afraid of those.

just as long as you understand

I'm not an author. I've been writing since I was in grade school and whether I get these books I'm working on published or not, I'm not a writer.
I'm a mask maker, a monster creator, a make up artist. I crochet, I sew (kinda), I decorate the world. I make jewelry. I'm a damn good friend. I can make the hell outta some jello. I'm fair to middlin' when it comes to first person shooters.
I'm handy with a camera.
But I'm not an author. And after I'm done with these books (again, published or not) I'm setting the pen and paper down and getting back to all the other things that I am.
That said, better get back to it...

this will be cathartic, right?

...because it seems a little too much like the days when I used to write for hours in some 24 hour coffee pit, smoking too much as I fell in love with how funny I was. Oh how clever I thought I was on paper! How sharp! How young. And thin.
...maybe I should start drinking coffee again...

this is as good a start as any